Broken

beautifully broken

bruised battered

bashed beaten

born into a broken world

trying to find a light in the dark

we hunt

we pick

we fuss 

we fight

searching seeking

soulful yearning

to catch a ray of sun

on a cloudy day

looking for the missing piece

so many pieces

so little time

so much confusion

time space continuum

we seek

we find

we knock 

we open

the time we spend

with those we love

make it spark

for spark makes fire

burn baby burn

let your light shine

this little light of mine

i'm gonna let it shine

we sing

we dance

we live

we laugh

we love

one love

one heart

one moment in the sun

let the sun shine in

Be Ugly.

     So, I got reminded of a story, a story that touches my soul, it's called 'Ugly the cat', you can see Youtube videos of it, but also, here it is:

                                                                 Ugly the Cat

Everyone in the apartment complex where I lived knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love.
The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.
Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!”
All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave.
Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.
One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end.
Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly, I thought.
Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear - Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.
At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.
Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful .
He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.
Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me,
 I will always try to be Ugly.

     Now, knowing some of you as I do, you may try to debate whether this story is fictional or true, in that, I don't care. I did my usual research on it, as I would with other things, cuz that's just who I am, and was not able to find any defining answer. In that, there are very few people trying to debunk it.
    Wether Ugly existed or not is not the point, because I'm betting that every single one of us pictured a being that we could associate with, a bit of Ugly inside of us, or, a bit of Ugly in our memories. So, thank you to whoever wrote this, and for me, I am going to try and be Ugly for the rest of my life.

-Preach
      

t-minus... so...

to look into our past is sometimes like

trying to reassemble a broken mirror

our reflection ever changing and rippling 

in the glint of the broken shards

as we get closer to getting the picture

it twists and bends

reflecting the light to different angles

casting shadow and beams in directions we never thought possible

to stare into the reflection

almost feels as if 

to look into the grave of your love

to see the unthinkable

and yet

there is a new form

as the pieces come together further

you see a form you have never seen before

but also

on the edges you cut

and bleed

the picture starts to take on a new life

your reflection is not as it once was

and the cuts create scars

still

to look into the reflection

is much like staring down the barrel 

of a loaded gun

the bullet in the chamber

quivering in anticipation

waiting to blow your head off

in all of that

there is something

like to see the sun

for the first time

or to touch the sky on a spring day

whatever it is

you must continue

continue you must

for you know that

in the new reflection

there is something

it could kill you

or it could save your soul

and set you free

Wicked Twisted Road

     'My first love was a wicked twisted road, hit the million mark at 17 years old, and I never saw the rainbow, much less the pot of gold. My first love was a wicked twisted road.' - Reckless Kelly
     The wicked twisted road... my first love... not really, but it sometimes has seemed that way, i have often wondered about all the what if's and what could have been's, and yet... a pattern is forming. I used to say that life has no pattern, no form, just an endless chain of unscheduled events that randomly clash to make a thing that we call a life, and then it ends. Now, I am on the edge of something new and yet old, there is a point in my life that I have rarely tread. Love. I'm not talking about the love of a family, I have never really had a problem with that, it's the love of a mate that I have feared and stayed away from. In many ways, like a plague.
     What is the definition of love? Well... Webster's defines it as...
1 a(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love of a child>
     (2): attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt by lovers
     (3)  affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>
    b: an assurance of affection <give her my love>
2 :warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>
3 a :warm attachment, devotion, or admiration <baseball was his first love>
   b: (1) :a beloved person: darling - often used as a term of endearment
      (2) British - used as an informal term of address
4 a : unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as
       (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind
       (2) : brotherly concern for others
   b : a person's adoration of God
and yet, none of those describe the love that I try to define, I think of an all consuming fire that is quenched by that look, that touch, that one word, that little wiggle or wink that just make whatever is going on melt away. Not some fly by night thought or such, but a lasting feeling, years and years of it. Have I had it? Yes. I have, and what did I do with it? I went down that wicked twisted road, and prayed 'Dear God' watch over her. So, what happens from here? I guess I'm gonna find out.
     I have a pair of dice on my right shoulder, surrounded by flames. What does it mean? I got it almost a decade ago, it was the way I was living, win it all or lose everything. Well, I have lost everything, time and time again, and yet, there was one thing I never went all in with. My heart, with a woman, I always held things back, and hid things, always shadow games, a false front, and in that, it created a plethora of problems.
   I know we all too often blame life, I got hurt, I saw what happened with my parents, relatives, neighbors, so on and so forth. One of my memories that I am afraid formulated my childhood thoughts of love and relationships is a time when, I remember being upset that one of my best friend's parents had been going through a vicious divorce, and I remember being distraught that my parents would be next. My mom and dad reassured me by taking me into the bathroom, and standing us together as a family, and then proceeded to talk about how we were a family because they loved each other, and my dad saying, 'we will never get a divorce.' Not even a year later, my mom sat crying in her station wagon as I had to run into her church and tell them that one of the wise men wasn't going to be in the play because he had just left his family. Was my fate sealed with that? No, but it had set up some things in my head, was it my dad's fault? No, he was and is a man, and since he wasn't, isn't perfect, he had made decisions that affected all of us. In that, I was always fearful, I was always jaded, and as my broken self searched for love, I had no idea what I was really looking for, and even more so, I had no idea how to be.
     As I grew older, I continued my failures in relationships, time and time again, I would rarely say the three words, and when I did, I still had no idea what they meant, or better yet, how they felt. Well, I guess in a short while I may be betting it all... going all in... and for me... i'm ready... may God be my guide in this... I'm willing to go all in, don't get me wrong, I'm scared as hell... but at the same right... like John Wayne once said, 'It ain't whether or not you feel fear, all men feel fear, it's whether or not you saddle up or not'... LLLAKYFOTPA XD

Crags And Crevices

Lately, I have been writing more edgy stuff, kinda like the old stuff from the REALLY old blog, unfiltered, uncensored, but at the same right, different, since my life has changed a little since then. So there will be more wanton ramblings between two new blogs, I already have some things written in which I will deposit each one in it's own special spot when it is deemed time. Either or, there is gonna be 'The Soapbox', where I will spout upon my personal beliefs and wonderments, and why I believe them, and there will be 'Crags and Crevices', which will be more of the old 'randoms' stuff.(and will be written mostly free flowing, so for you grammar nazi's, beware, you will have a seizure with my lack of punctuation and spelling phonetically at times) Either or, that's how it's gonna be, I will still post other stuff on old blogs from time to time, but I just feel driven to write like I used to write, cept different. I love each and every one of you and God does too. LLLAKYFOTPA XD