the faces of so many gone
they haunt across my past
I only hope and pray and dream
they walk on heaven's grass
the pain the strife the sorrow
of all of you who've gone
i must strain to live my life
and slowly i trudge on
the suicides and murders
the diseases and the death
i sit here and wonder what
passed through your mind
at point of final breath
i look into the sweet sunrise
feeling thankful in my day
i listen to the fall wind blowing
and in this world i'll stay
until the time that God decides
my work out here is done
and then i'll pass to heaven's grass
and dance in it's sweet sun
hopefully...
Monday, September 24, 2012
fear come from thought...
I have been rewriting a popular sermon of mine, well, I had heard the story, and then rewritten it, as I was doing the update, for some reason I came across a secondary link to a youtube video tribute of a brother of mine, and found myself watching this secondary news clip. Then I saw it, raw emotion, it is a live standoff video, and at one point a cop goes from being aggressor, to victim. In that, I do not want this to come off as an anti cop thing, it was just the video that You tube set up alongside Mark's, which had a strange irony in it.Either or, the cop gets shot in the neck during a standoff. Then there is the look, I have seen it way more than I ever wanted to in my life, the self realization that you are mortal. As I saw this it triggered a barrage of faces, people who had had that look in their eyes, where bravado meets mortality. We stand so tall, we feel that we are invincible, and yet our lives really are so fragile. God willing you will never see that look, but for me, and many around me, we have seen it way too much. The flood of emotions, the sorrow, the abject pain, kinda like when a friend stops bleeding, but doesn't stop talking, you know they're dead, but they don't, and so you keep on telling them that they'll be fine, lying through your teeth so that they will feel some comfort in those last fleeting minutes.
There are those moments for some of us... hell, maybe all, where a split second of something will trigger this torrential monsoon of emotions. A cascade of pain if you will, and for me, for a long time I would bury it deep, because I didn't want my 'Man Card' taken... It emotionally stunted me and created a beast inside that not only attempted to kill me, but tried to destroy the world around me. Why do I call it a beast? Because there often seems to be no method to it, other than unexpressed, regressed emotions, that sporadically come out when sometimes seemingly random triggers get pulled.How do I get it under wraps, I attempt to work through the emotions, face the whirlwind, sometimes scream, sometimes cry, sometimes write, and sometimes just wait. I find ways to let me think through it, not the moment itself, but what emotions I am feeling and why, which isn't always easy for a guy like me.
I had been told whether by male rolemodels, tv, radio, and so on and so forth, that men have 2 emotions, happy and angry. You never saw Micheal have a 'emotional share time with KITT, the A-team never passed around the share stick and 'went deeper' to look at the root of the cause, MacGuyver never took a couple of minutes before disassembling the nuclear warhead to have a 'good cry'. In that, I had become very emotionally stunted, and by and far I am no emotional fountain, but I do feel, and what I do feel, I feel deeply. In that, don't be afraid to express yourself, don't be afraid to express your pain, fears, and other negatives, so that you can try and work through them, and at least let the healing start to begin... not sure where I was going with that...
There are those moments for some of us... hell, maybe all, where a split second of something will trigger this torrential monsoon of emotions. A cascade of pain if you will, and for me, for a long time I would bury it deep, because I didn't want my 'Man Card' taken... It emotionally stunted me and created a beast inside that not only attempted to kill me, but tried to destroy the world around me. Why do I call it a beast? Because there often seems to be no method to it, other than unexpressed, regressed emotions, that sporadically come out when sometimes seemingly random triggers get pulled.How do I get it under wraps, I attempt to work through the emotions, face the whirlwind, sometimes scream, sometimes cry, sometimes write, and sometimes just wait. I find ways to let me think through it, not the moment itself, but what emotions I am feeling and why, which isn't always easy for a guy like me.
I had been told whether by male rolemodels, tv, radio, and so on and so forth, that men have 2 emotions, happy and angry. You never saw Micheal have a 'emotional share time with KITT, the A-team never passed around the share stick and 'went deeper' to look at the root of the cause, MacGuyver never took a couple of minutes before disassembling the nuclear warhead to have a 'good cry'. In that, I had become very emotionally stunted, and by and far I am no emotional fountain, but I do feel, and what I do feel, I feel deeply. In that, don't be afraid to express yourself, don't be afraid to express your pain, fears, and other negatives, so that you can try and work through them, and at least let the healing start to begin... not sure where I was going with that...
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
We are all going to die, but three of us are going to do something.
'We are all going to die, but three of us are going to do something.'
-Thomas Burnett Jr. May 29, 1963- September 11, 2001
Some of the final words that were spoken on a cell phone to his wife from United Flight 93.
His hometown, Bloomington, MN
We will never forget.
Those were some of the final words that were spoken by fellow Minnesotan Thomas Burnett Jr. on flight 93, September 11, 2001. In my writing, especially about people, I try to put myself in their position, on a day that will live blazing in our memory, there are some who will only try to come to an understanding. I don't know if we will ever know what kind of heroics and bravery went on during that day, not only by those on flight 93, but so many stepped up. There is story after story of people who just got into the game. Everyone from Tom and those others who stood and fought in the face of death, to even the rarely heard others. Like a message left by pregnant passenger Lauren Grandcolas to her husband, 'Jack, pick up the phone sweetie, can you hear me? Okay. I just want to tell you there's a little problem with the plane. I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I just want to tell you how much I love you.' At the time she had made the call people had already formulated a plan and were preparing to storm the cockpit. What type of bravery did that take?
So many people stepped up, in a moment when America shook before an unknown assailant. So many heroes, so many Americans. I'm sorry, because some of you are about to be offended, and when it comes down to it, I don't care. We are now on the anniversary, and we will remember for one night, but in my opinion, who cares?! We will all stand in unison for this one moment, and then we will return to fighting amongst ourselves, we will talk of rascism, politics, classism, and so on and so forth until we have forgotten all about a day that bonded America together until next year. It makes me wanna puke. It makes me wonder if they actually did their part in destroying America, and we are so self consumed and self serving that we could care less, because we are going to have something to argue about within our social structure. Who has, who hasn't, so on and so forth. Do I think that people have a right to argue their isssues, sure, but I hope and pray that when they do it, they remember days like Sept. 11, 2001, Dec. 7, 1941, and July 4,1776. Days when the political issue was making sure America survived, and the fact that each and every one of us are Americans, on Sept. 11, 2001, we saw what hate can do, now why don't we take this day of rememberance and heroes and use it to see what love can do. Why do I say love? Because flight 93 never hit it's intended target. Life is not finding things in life worth living for, it's in finding things worth dying for. So many people have died for America, the true America, and it is my personal belief that we need to rekindle that passion once again. I love each and every one of you and God does too. God bless America.
There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. John 15:13
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
No Plan B
Its too late Its my fate
I cant turn around
Theres no fear, in the mirror
To hold me down
Im too far, from the start
Now Im in too deep
Ive got to stick to the plan
Cause theres no Plan B
-Manafest, No Plan B
I have to admit, there is fear in the mirror, and sometimes for what the mirror holds, I have to try and see what God sees in me, and for me, that is sometimes difficult. I have come very far from where I was, and I don't have any plan for turning back, and yet, I am afraid of doing it. I often feel as if there is a beast inside of me, which in reality, for me there is, the beast of my past. Have I put it behind me? I'd love to say yes, and it be just that, but at the same right, there are times when I fight myself to stop myself from making bad decisions. Knowing in that, those bad decisions could easily lead me into a cataclysmic disaster. My brother Duff spoke of the exact things tonight, he called them shadows. I am all too familiar with shadows. Some of you may recall that in some of my old blogs from the old myspace page often talked of shadows, funny how that comes full circle.
What do I fight? I fight the inherent thought that I was just born bad, I was once told by someone who I looked up to when I was young, 'You're the devil incarnate and nothing good will ever come from you.' To receive something like that from that person in particular was crushing to me, to the point where I perceived it as the truth. I had been told also that I was unlovable, good for nothing, a demon, an abyss which sucks everything around it into darkness, and so on and so forth. I let it eat me up inside and let it feed my hate for the world and everything in it, to the point where I became an emotional stone, 'one of the most apathetic, if not the most apathetic person I have ever evaluated', from a professional who's job it was to evaluate 'problem children'. I got good at hiding it all though, putting on a false front, smiling, laughing, telling everyone things were just fine, when it felt like I was rotting from the inside out.
I may have may come a long way from that, but there are times of distress and times of just plain stress that if I let them threaten to pull me into that abyss once again. Yet, I must remember everything I have learned, and remember to keep my eyes and ears open. I must go against what I have learned, to isolate and start writing a manifesto, and instead, let those who are near me know what is going on, and not just dump on them, but listen to what they say, and apply it to myself.
I must also take the time to remember who I am, where I have come from, what my life purpose is now, how to find myself again, the real me, not the beast within. In that, I must remember that life is a string of experiences, both good and bad, that if life is disappointing right now, if I keep on going, and I keep on moving forward, there will be a payoff. The number one thing I have to remember, keep my attitude in check, and find things that make me smile and laugh. My God, my kiddos, my kin, my dog, my brothers and sisters, they all got love for me, and in that, I am so blessed, they may not always like me, but they love me. So, through perseverance there will be an outcome, so I must stick to the plan of No Plan B and just move forward and have faith that things will fall in place in time, granted it will be a practice session of patience too. Much Love
I cant turn around
Theres no fear, in the mirror
To hold me down
Im too far, from the start
Now Im in too deep
Ive got to stick to the plan
Cause theres no Plan B
-Manafest, No Plan B
I have to admit, there is fear in the mirror, and sometimes for what the mirror holds, I have to try and see what God sees in me, and for me, that is sometimes difficult. I have come very far from where I was, and I don't have any plan for turning back, and yet, I am afraid of doing it. I often feel as if there is a beast inside of me, which in reality, for me there is, the beast of my past. Have I put it behind me? I'd love to say yes, and it be just that, but at the same right, there are times when I fight myself to stop myself from making bad decisions. Knowing in that, those bad decisions could easily lead me into a cataclysmic disaster. My brother Duff spoke of the exact things tonight, he called them shadows. I am all too familiar with shadows. Some of you may recall that in some of my old blogs from the old myspace page often talked of shadows, funny how that comes full circle.
What do I fight? I fight the inherent thought that I was just born bad, I was once told by someone who I looked up to when I was young, 'You're the devil incarnate and nothing good will ever come from you.' To receive something like that from that person in particular was crushing to me, to the point where I perceived it as the truth. I had been told also that I was unlovable, good for nothing, a demon, an abyss which sucks everything around it into darkness, and so on and so forth. I let it eat me up inside and let it feed my hate for the world and everything in it, to the point where I became an emotional stone, 'one of the most apathetic, if not the most apathetic person I have ever evaluated', from a professional who's job it was to evaluate 'problem children'. I got good at hiding it all though, putting on a false front, smiling, laughing, telling everyone things were just fine, when it felt like I was rotting from the inside out.
I may have may come a long way from that, but there are times of distress and times of just plain stress that if I let them threaten to pull me into that abyss once again. Yet, I must remember everything I have learned, and remember to keep my eyes and ears open. I must go against what I have learned, to isolate and start writing a manifesto, and instead, let those who are near me know what is going on, and not just dump on them, but listen to what they say, and apply it to myself.
I must also take the time to remember who I am, where I have come from, what my life purpose is now, how to find myself again, the real me, not the beast within. In that, I must remember that life is a string of experiences, both good and bad, that if life is disappointing right now, if I keep on going, and I keep on moving forward, there will be a payoff. The number one thing I have to remember, keep my attitude in check, and find things that make me smile and laugh. My God, my kiddos, my kin, my dog, my brothers and sisters, they all got love for me, and in that, I am so blessed, they may not always like me, but they love me. So, through perseverance there will be an outcome, so I must stick to the plan of No Plan B and just move forward and have faith that things will fall in place in time, granted it will be a practice session of patience too. Much Love
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Love is...
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
Now I know that many of you who read this may not agree with my personal spiritual beliefs, but at the same right most of you can agree that the bible is a historical document with merit when it comes to instructions on how to be to one another. I love the way it defines love, so much more than the Miriam Webster definition that I regurgitated a few blogs ago, not that it is vomit, but it is such a bland interpretation of what love is and could be. I still believe that it should be something that is all encompassing, and when I choose or better yet, God helps introduce, reintroduce, or just points out my mate to be, that I keep these words close to my heart and choose to define the love that I share with her by these words.
I know some of you were expecting some type of idiocy or extreme outings, but at the same right, there's always the come down, or, the possibility of making even bigger mistakes, which albeit I was a master of getting into and getting out of, I don't feel it's time to hone up the skills. As it is I am looking into a weekend with some of my brothers to climb walls, up the 'pamper' pole (a pole so named due to climbing it makes you wish you were wearing pampers, and as you reach the top, you jump off), just kickin' it, cards, and possibly sending some rounds downrange. So in that, I will be able to blow off steam.
I am fighting the fact that I put everything on the line and crapped out, but at the same right, I'd rather live my life knowing I took the chance, and not wondering 'what if'... It's love, it's gonna be flying by the seat of your pants, it's gonna be scary, it's gonna be crazy, but if I don't take those chances, who knows. I'd rather live with, 'oh, so that's what was gonna happen' instead of, 'I wonder what would have been could have been'. So, yeah. Am I hurt? Yeah. Have I been hurt before? Yeah. Was I willing to risk it all for an emotion that I have never really put out there in the way that I did this time? Yeah. Am I gonna do it again? Yup yup. In time, when I and if I feel the time is right. Not planning for anytime soon. Do I still love her? Yup. Why? Cuz Love keeps no record of being wrong. Either or, I am extremely touched by the support from my brothers and sisters, and most of all, my kin. I guess when you actually tell people honestly how you are feeling (I may not be super in touch with these types of emotions too much yet, but being able to say 'sucks monkey butt on ice' is a big step for me) and just lay the cards on the table, there are people in this world who won't use it to hurt you, but will use their love for you to help you heal. In that, I am so blessed I cannot even begin to explain how much. I love each and every one of you, and God does too. 4
- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
Now I know that many of you who read this may not agree with my personal spiritual beliefs, but at the same right most of you can agree that the bible is a historical document with merit when it comes to instructions on how to be to one another. I love the way it defines love, so much more than the Miriam Webster definition that I regurgitated a few blogs ago, not that it is vomit, but it is such a bland interpretation of what love is and could be. I still believe that it should be something that is all encompassing, and when I choose or better yet, God helps introduce, reintroduce, or just points out my mate to be, that I keep these words close to my heart and choose to define the love that I share with her by these words.
I know some of you were expecting some type of idiocy or extreme outings, but at the same right, there's always the come down, or, the possibility of making even bigger mistakes, which albeit I was a master of getting into and getting out of, I don't feel it's time to hone up the skills. As it is I am looking into a weekend with some of my brothers to climb walls, up the 'pamper' pole (a pole so named due to climbing it makes you wish you were wearing pampers, and as you reach the top, you jump off), just kickin' it, cards, and possibly sending some rounds downrange. So in that, I will be able to blow off steam.
I am fighting the fact that I put everything on the line and crapped out, but at the same right, I'd rather live my life knowing I took the chance, and not wondering 'what if'... It's love, it's gonna be flying by the seat of your pants, it's gonna be scary, it's gonna be crazy, but if I don't take those chances, who knows. I'd rather live with, 'oh, so that's what was gonna happen' instead of, 'I wonder what would have been could have been'. So, yeah. Am I hurt? Yeah. Have I been hurt before? Yeah. Was I willing to risk it all for an emotion that I have never really put out there in the way that I did this time? Yeah. Am I gonna do it again? Yup yup. In time, when I and if I feel the time is right. Not planning for anytime soon. Do I still love her? Yup. Why? Cuz Love keeps no record of being wrong. Either or, I am extremely touched by the support from my brothers and sisters, and most of all, my kin. I guess when you actually tell people honestly how you are feeling (I may not be super in touch with these types of emotions too much yet, but being able to say 'sucks monkey butt on ice' is a big step for me) and just lay the cards on the table, there are people in this world who won't use it to hurt you, but will use their love for you to help you heal. In that, I am so blessed I cannot even begin to explain how much. I love each and every one of you, and God does too. 4
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The soundtrack of a soul.
As most of you know, I love music. I think that it can express and feed pretty much any emotion. I have played in bands, sung in groups, helped out behind the scenes, pretty much anything to get the music out there. I have and still listened to pretty much all types of music, a very eclectic grouping that my pop gave me an ear for. Everything from Beethoven to Blood For Blood, and everything in between, in that, I have realized that it can feed certain emotions to an extent that there is some music and groups that I dodge now a days. Just cuz. Like it was quoted by one of the kiddos, 'it's not smart to poke the bear.'
In that there are times when I have to monitor what the soundtrack of my soul is playing and then make a conscious effort to change the playlist. I have been going through a hellacious past three days, I had been planning a joyous arrival and reunion, and now, the ones who were on their way have completely gone off the radar. There is so much that is running through my head from both past and present. Past experiences and current thought patterns. It's a battle, there's an old native story about two wolves, and it talks of a grandfather telling his grandson, 'inside your body there are two wolves, one good, and one bad, and the one that dominates is the one you feed'. I try to remember that.
For me, music is a venue that can stir all emotions, it is not only a song, but nature. The song of the wind in the air, the music of the mountains, and so on and so forth. In that it's tune can bring creation or destruction, it's just the way it is in my mind. So, with that, I will sing a song of creation, and healing so that I do not turn in upon myself. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
For me, music is a venue that can stir all emotions, it is not only a song, but nature. The song of the wind in the air, the music of the mountains, and so on and so forth. In that it's tune can bring creation or destruction, it's just the way it is in my mind. So, with that, I will sing a song of creation, and healing so that I do not turn in upon myself. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Hello me... meet the real me... and my misfits way of life...
Emotion:
1. a: obsolete : disturbance
b: EXCITEMENT
2. a: the affective aspect of consciousness : FEELING
b: a state of feeling
c: a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by psychological and behavioral changes in the body.
So, I have been feeling a lot of emotion, a plethora of ups and downs, it hasn't been fun, and yet it has been pretty insightful. One, I'm stronger than I thought I was, to go through what I have been going through used to be a descent into madness. Many of you have seen it, and to some right, I'm sure some of you miss it in the escapades that would follow, and yet, there was always the comedown, the crash. There has been this strange thing going on inside of me, almost manic, and yet, not acting on the feelings, actually processing them. I may be a little isolating, and yet still getting out and doing things. For me, that's a big step. Not going out wanton and doing what me and some others called 'AAAAARGH Excursions', but just taking time to hang with some of my brothers, my kiddos, and my kin, and breathe.
It always seems like the brakes overheat at most interesting times in life, I always picture it as a giant 'Casey Jones' style steam engine, the wheels conceive the stop, and then metal on metal begins, fountains of sparks shooting out of each wheel on the track, the giant steel wheels begin to glow from the heat, and I have realized that in that moment, it's all about what the conductor and his crew do.
In that, I had to realize that I am not the conductor, I am the crew. For all the experience that I have on this track, there are things that I cannot expect, or understand, especially in a situation that is completely out of my control at this point. So, this is when I have to look to the conductor, and anticipate his order. In that, I should keep doing my job, and making sure that for the things that he has previously asked me to do keep on rolling, because no matter what happens, I do not want the crash to be caused by my lack of maintenance. I will keep on shoveling, keep on tendering, and trying to keep my head calm.
It's kind of strange, I can keep my head in the middle of a gunfight, and yet when it comes to emotion, I have issues. It's all about adaptation and change, just because life is that way. I guess it's like this one time that Auntie Brenda will not let me forget.
We had all gone out for the evening to a downtown club, and some of our girl cousins had decided to crash and join us, well, at that time downtown was a little more wild west than it is now, and as we were all enjoying the night, it happened. An argument ensued on the dance floor, and as was customary at Minneapolis nightclubs in the 90's, they started shooting. Picture this, packed club, to the gills, and shots go off, yep, pretty much every one heads for the door. As we all crowded out the door I was doing my head check as I usually did, and one of my cousins was missing. Auntie will say, that it was 'just me', I will say that I was more worried about answering to Auntie for letting one of us get injured than get shot myself. Found her standing in the middle of the dance floor paralyzed with fear. Either way, we got out of there safe and sound.
What does that story mean? Well, when it comes to emotions and me allowing them to be in me, now, I am that paralyzed person in the middle of the dance floor, and at the same right, I got a conductor who is barking orders on how to keep my head down, and I need to listen, cuz if I don't, it could end me. So, I will hold my position on the train, in the club, in life, and I will stay alert and diligent, with the help of those around me and my God.
LLLAKYFOTPA XD
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