Long story short, at midnight tonight, I turn older than I ever expected to live. I remember the first time I was given a life expectancy. It was at a place called 'Project Off-Streets', with my 'worker' who I would see once, who looked at me a wet behind the ears, pretty much full on suburban kid who thought he was a lot tougher than he was, and said, 'Get tough or die kid, these streets are gonna eat you alive.' I had moved into the shelter they had put me in shortly after. I walked through the secure doors, and into the place that I would call home. I had just put my back pack into my room, and was on my way down in the elevator, I was wearing a red sweatshirt, that kept me warm, as the elevator stopped, I don't remember what floor, another kid got into the elevator. He eyed me up and down, he was dressed in blue from head to toe, before I knew what was happening, he pulled a gun from his waistband, stuck it in my eye, and said, 'you new? just so you know, red don't fly 'round here, got it?' He put the gun back in his waistband like it was just another day at the office, and stepped from the elevator.
As I stepped from the elevator, I heard a scuffle to my right, the 410 was a shelter for women and children, and I was about to find out why there were two sets of locking doors on the way in. A large man was shoving his way through the door as a woman frantically was telling the front desk to call 911, as the man made his way through the door, I saw something in his hand, as I was trying to figure out what it was, his arm flashed forward. I quickly figured out what it was, as the glass exploded on the side of the woman's face, he had hit her with a glass bottle. I watched in stunned silence as the man proceeded to run out the door, and the people at the desk huddled around the woman, not only attempting to stop the bleeding in the gaping wound that ran from her ear to her shoulder blade, but to secure the front doors so the attacker could not return.
As we stood there, my soon to be best friend, Josh, looked at me and said, 'welcome to the 410, if any of us make it out alive, we should consider ourselves lucky.' Josh quickly became my best friend, we spent pretty much all of our time together. He used to always say, 'we'll be lucky if we make it to 16.' He didn't, I did.
Throughout much of the rest of my life so far, I lived fast, much of it was either feast or famine, life or death, and time and time again, I would hear, 'You won't make it past 16, 18, 19, 20, and so on and so forth. I didn't care. I figured, Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. That was the credo that me and most of the people I ran with adopted. Time and time again, many of them lived and died by that.
Now here it is, my life has changed in many ways, and in that, I still had it in the back of my head, death is chasing me, it chases all of us. Yet, I had one last prediction for me, 38, and in that, I kept on seeing 38's everywhere.
My beliefs are still what my beliefs are, and yet, I still do have some quandaries, or superstitions per say. So, I guess, yeah, few more hours, and I will pass that point... so, here's to a few more hours. :)
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Life, death, and dogs. Part 2
So, I got another dog in the house. Her name is Brandi, and she is a long haired chihuahua. I had mentioned that her owner was no longer able to take care of her. Unfortunately her owner passed away a couple of days ago. Her owner had a lot of health complications, and succumbed to them, in that, she was a single woman who left behind her mom, sister, and son. When she passed away, Brandi dutifully stood guard beside her fallen master for a couple of days until she was discovered.
When she was discovered, there was a mass of confusion, that ended with Brandi cowering under her master's bed as the police, coroner, and so on made their ways through her apartment. As her family arrived one by one there they grieved their loss. In that, there was a side distress, who would take Brandi. None of the family is in a situation where they could take a dog, and I heard distress in the owners sister's voice, 'she can't go to the pound... they'll kill her...'.
To back the story up, when I first met Brandi, it was one of the first days of moving in, and in that, Brandi shot forward and bit Chop on the foreleg. Mental image moment, Chop is one of the most laid back 150 lb. American Bulldogs you will ever meet, he is very animal friendly, and is happy just wandering aimlessly through the day, much like his owner. He was very confused as to why a 5 lb long haired Chihuahua would come after him, but in that moment, he figured if she's gonna bite me, I'm going to respond. So, sufficed to say, bringing her into my home, did not seem like an option.
Yet, after her owner's sister had said that with such distress in her voice... I had some thinking to do. As I spoke with some of the people that were the closest to the owner, I could feel this tug on my heart. I had to offer, so, I walked over to the owner's sister. Just as I was approaching her one of the officers that had arrived to help began to ask where the dog was going to go, and Tammy had started to explain that none of them had the means to take care of Brandi. Before I realized what I was doing, 'If Chop doesn't eat her, she can stay with me.' came out of my mouth. 'Really?!', she replied. 'Yeah...'. The owner's family thanked me both last night and today.
The point of my story, is this. I look a mess, 6'3", hoodie, tattoos, skully, 150 lb. American Bulldog named Chopper, and... 5 lb. Long Haired Chihuahua named Brandi.... yeah... when I brought her in, I half expected Chop to not be too happy about the addition, especially about who it was, and yet, I saw an act of compassion that just made me stop. Brandi instantly went on the defensive when we walked in, I half expected Chop to take one bite, and that would be it. Then it happened.
The best way to describe it, he sensed her fear, and then he did it. He slowly lay flat on the floor, legs folded up under himself like a big white sphinx, and then slowly dropped his head to the floor, almost as if bowing to her. He lay there and let her sniff all around her, and then he gently got up, went over to his bed, and lay down. Since, then, they have gotten along fine, my only issue is trying to walk 2 dogs with 2 adjustable leashes, that have 2 totally different minds of their own. It has made for some fun moments for the neighbors to watch I'm sure.
The only heart tearing moments are when Brandi turns to go into her old house, she heads towards the door, and then before the leash runs out, as if she realizes her beloved owner is gone, she slowly turns and follows us up the stairs and to her new door.
One of the reasons I love dogs, there is a love and a loyalty that is just there for them. They love those who are good to them, and will always be there for their owners, even in the event of death. So, I got a dog to add to the house, her name is Brandi, she is a 5 lb. long haired Chihuahua, and I hope I am as deserving of her love as her previous owner was, and I will take care of her to the best of my abilities...hey... maybe since there are crazy cat ladies... this could be the start of the daft dog dudes... yeah... let's hope not... I love each and every one of you, and God does too.
When she was discovered, there was a mass of confusion, that ended with Brandi cowering under her master's bed as the police, coroner, and so on made their ways through her apartment. As her family arrived one by one there they grieved their loss. In that, there was a side distress, who would take Brandi. None of the family is in a situation where they could take a dog, and I heard distress in the owners sister's voice, 'she can't go to the pound... they'll kill her...'.
To back the story up, when I first met Brandi, it was one of the first days of moving in, and in that, Brandi shot forward and bit Chop on the foreleg. Mental image moment, Chop is one of the most laid back 150 lb. American Bulldogs you will ever meet, he is very animal friendly, and is happy just wandering aimlessly through the day, much like his owner. He was very confused as to why a 5 lb long haired Chihuahua would come after him, but in that moment, he figured if she's gonna bite me, I'm going to respond. So, sufficed to say, bringing her into my home, did not seem like an option.
Yet, after her owner's sister had said that with such distress in her voice... I had some thinking to do. As I spoke with some of the people that were the closest to the owner, I could feel this tug on my heart. I had to offer, so, I walked over to the owner's sister. Just as I was approaching her one of the officers that had arrived to help began to ask where the dog was going to go, and Tammy had started to explain that none of them had the means to take care of Brandi. Before I realized what I was doing, 'If Chop doesn't eat her, she can stay with me.' came out of my mouth. 'Really?!', she replied. 'Yeah...'. The owner's family thanked me both last night and today.
The point of my story, is this. I look a mess, 6'3", hoodie, tattoos, skully, 150 lb. American Bulldog named Chopper, and... 5 lb. Long Haired Chihuahua named Brandi.... yeah... when I brought her in, I half expected Chop to not be too happy about the addition, especially about who it was, and yet, I saw an act of compassion that just made me stop. Brandi instantly went on the defensive when we walked in, I half expected Chop to take one bite, and that would be it. Then it happened.
The best way to describe it, he sensed her fear, and then he did it. He slowly lay flat on the floor, legs folded up under himself like a big white sphinx, and then slowly dropped his head to the floor, almost as if bowing to her. He lay there and let her sniff all around her, and then he gently got up, went over to his bed, and lay down. Since, then, they have gotten along fine, my only issue is trying to walk 2 dogs with 2 adjustable leashes, that have 2 totally different minds of their own. It has made for some fun moments for the neighbors to watch I'm sure.
The only heart tearing moments are when Brandi turns to go into her old house, she heads towards the door, and then before the leash runs out, as if she realizes her beloved owner is gone, she slowly turns and follows us up the stairs and to her new door.
One of the reasons I love dogs, there is a love and a loyalty that is just there for them. They love those who are good to them, and will always be there for their owners, even in the event of death. So, I got a dog to add to the house, her name is Brandi, she is a 5 lb. long haired Chihuahua, and I hope I am as deserving of her love as her previous owner was, and I will take care of her to the best of my abilities...hey... maybe since there are crazy cat ladies... this could be the start of the daft dog dudes... yeah... let's hope not... I love each and every one of you, and God does too.
Life, death, and dogs
One thing about my life, I have seen a lot of folks come and go, so far this week, it has been 3 people. Between my old life choices and my 'office' per say now, I see a lot of death. I know that in many ways, I have come to terms with it, and yet, I still remember my first first hand witness to it. There is the realization of the true frailty of life, how little it takes to cease to exist on this plain. I have had the experience of telling many folks that their loved one has passed on, and everything around that measure. It is life, the sad truth, when we are born, we start heading towards death. Okay, I'm not trying to sound too grim reaperish, but, it's the truth. We live and then we die, and hopefully in between we make an imprint on the world. This week three folks in my circle died, how I inherited a 5 lb. long haired Chihuahua named Brandi, which is good for a grin when both me, and my 150 lb. American Bulldog Chopper have not figured out exactly how to deal with her.... so... yeah... 3....
Like John Wayne Garbow, or, Johnny Goodheart, Johnny the vet, or my brother John. My friend Daniel told me of his passing while we were walking around downtown St. Paul. Johnny had his ups and owns, but he would have an upbeat outlook on life. He would say, 'You know why I'm on the streets right? Cuz, not all of me came back from Vietnam... oh sure... my body came back, but my mind...but I can survive out here, most can't.' I would ask him, 'Why don't you hit the VA Johnny?' He would simply reply, 'Cuz I can survive out here, others can't.' In that, knowing Johnny's heart, the translation, other guys need more help than me, and I ain't gonna take up a bed that they need. We would sit out anywhere we found a place to sit, the circle, rice park, the bottoms, here there and anywhere we just happened to run into each other, and I would listen to my elder.
He always had a presence, he wore an old weather beaten trucker style hat with 'Vietnam Veteran' across the brim with his long silver hair always combed the best he could, and ponytailed underneath., a beaten jean jacket with the words 'smile, Jesus loves you' painstakingly written across the back, a slight figure, most would often look right past him. He walked with a cane, but still walked almost regally. The truth is, when you took the time to look at his face, you would see a weathered face, his grey beard was always decently well kept, and angled well on his jawline, and then you would see his eyes, it was a rarity because he always wore sunglasses, but when you saw his eyes, piercing steel blue, with this solidness to them, saying they had seen so much, way too young, and yet, there was kindness, compassion, caring, and most of all love. A love for his fellow man that few understand. Here's just one example.
I was walking along one day, and there was Johnny, sitting alongside the road, his cane nowhere to be found, 'how ya doin Johnny?'. 'I'm doin allright Preach, how you?' Johnny replied, looking this way and that. I asked him how he was doing, and how his day was, he told me things were cool and make sure that I thanked God for the beautiful day. At this point, knowing where he lived, and knowing where he hung out, I asked him, what in the wide world of sports was he doing way out here. You see, we were out by the old salt mines in St. Paul, which is a good mile from Listening house, or 'Johnny's Pad'. 'Ya know Preach, it's one of them things, ya see, I was walking along with my cane, and it was such a beautiful day, that I figured I'd keep goin'.' 'Okay', I replied,'so where's your cane, I know you didn't limp all the way this way without it.' To which he replied, 'gave it away.', so nonchalantly that I thought he was kidding me, til he told me a story about him walking along on the beautiful day, and seeing a gentleman who was older than he walking along who seemed in desperate need of a can as he was struggling from handrail to handrail to get somewhere. So Johnny, in his time old wisdom, decided that this man needed it more than him.
'So how long you been sittin here Johnny?' 'Three Hours.' 'Why did you hand your cane off more than a mile from home?' 'Figured God would find me some help home' 'So how's that working out for ya?' to which he removed his sun glasses and looked at me with his eyes dancing in the sunlight and replied, 'You're here, aren't ya?' I stood there in my foolishness, my brother had said hello to Captain Obvious, and I was there to witness. As we walked the mile back to his spot we laughed and spoke of the good times and bad, past Sevilles, all the way down 7th till we just crossed over Kellogg. We said our goodbyes that day, and often laughed of that day afterwards. Mutt and Jeff, ambling their way along. We will cry because you died, but we will also smile because you lived. I'm betting you handed your cane off on the way to heaven too, but this time there were angels to carry you home.
Like John Wayne Garbow, or, Johnny Goodheart, Johnny the vet, or my brother John. My friend Daniel told me of his passing while we were walking around downtown St. Paul. Johnny had his ups and owns, but he would have an upbeat outlook on life. He would say, 'You know why I'm on the streets right? Cuz, not all of me came back from Vietnam... oh sure... my body came back, but my mind...but I can survive out here, most can't.' I would ask him, 'Why don't you hit the VA Johnny?' He would simply reply, 'Cuz I can survive out here, others can't.' In that, knowing Johnny's heart, the translation, other guys need more help than me, and I ain't gonna take up a bed that they need. We would sit out anywhere we found a place to sit, the circle, rice park, the bottoms, here there and anywhere we just happened to run into each other, and I would listen to my elder.
He always had a presence, he wore an old weather beaten trucker style hat with 'Vietnam Veteran' across the brim with his long silver hair always combed the best he could, and ponytailed underneath., a beaten jean jacket with the words 'smile, Jesus loves you' painstakingly written across the back, a slight figure, most would often look right past him. He walked with a cane, but still walked almost regally. The truth is, when you took the time to look at his face, you would see a weathered face, his grey beard was always decently well kept, and angled well on his jawline, and then you would see his eyes, it was a rarity because he always wore sunglasses, but when you saw his eyes, piercing steel blue, with this solidness to them, saying they had seen so much, way too young, and yet, there was kindness, compassion, caring, and most of all love. A love for his fellow man that few understand. Here's just one example.
I was walking along one day, and there was Johnny, sitting alongside the road, his cane nowhere to be found, 'how ya doin Johnny?'. 'I'm doin allright Preach, how you?' Johnny replied, looking this way and that. I asked him how he was doing, and how his day was, he told me things were cool and make sure that I thanked God for the beautiful day. At this point, knowing where he lived, and knowing where he hung out, I asked him, what in the wide world of sports was he doing way out here. You see, we were out by the old salt mines in St. Paul, which is a good mile from Listening house, or 'Johnny's Pad'. 'Ya know Preach, it's one of them things, ya see, I was walking along with my cane, and it was such a beautiful day, that I figured I'd keep goin'.' 'Okay', I replied,'so where's your cane, I know you didn't limp all the way this way without it.' To which he replied, 'gave it away.', so nonchalantly that I thought he was kidding me, til he told me a story about him walking along on the beautiful day, and seeing a gentleman who was older than he walking along who seemed in desperate need of a can as he was struggling from handrail to handrail to get somewhere. So Johnny, in his time old wisdom, decided that this man needed it more than him.
'So how long you been sittin here Johnny?' 'Three Hours.' 'Why did you hand your cane off more than a mile from home?' 'Figured God would find me some help home' 'So how's that working out for ya?' to which he removed his sun glasses and looked at me with his eyes dancing in the sunlight and replied, 'You're here, aren't ya?' I stood there in my foolishness, my brother had said hello to Captain Obvious, and I was there to witness. As we walked the mile back to his spot we laughed and spoke of the good times and bad, past Sevilles, all the way down 7th till we just crossed over Kellogg. We said our goodbyes that day, and often laughed of that day afterwards. Mutt and Jeff, ambling their way along. We will cry because you died, but we will also smile because you lived. I'm betting you handed your cane off on the way to heaven too, but this time there were angels to carry you home.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Hopes and dreams
Many of us look to a better day, we dream of times that are easier, more peaceful, and yet our reality is turmoil, turbulence, and discouragement. We all strive for something at one point in our life, and whatever it may be, we shoot for the moon, sometimes we hit it, sometimes we come crashing down to earth in a burning wreck. That's just how it is.I think I have crashed and burned enough that I should get a stuntman's license... or is it now stunt person... idk... the method of the madness is just how it is for me. Born to run, whether it be into the fray, or away from love. Just has been how I roll. Runnin' with the devil... or runnin' from the devil... or runnin' at the devil with a battle axe in hand, hopin; that in his skull it lands. Seems like time and time again, I'm runnin' in circles. I look left, and right, day, and night. Hiding from the headlights, racin' towards the sunlight.
Kinda like when Bubba was young, I would do MN runs, in the middle of the night. Missing my home and family, I would load him into his carseat, and away we would go. Making a '15 hour' journey in about 12 and a half. Just going, watching the broken yellow stripes pass by. Minute by minute the miles would tick away. CO, NE.... cornfield... cornfield... what the crap is that metal monstrocity(those who have driven through NE will understand)... cornfield... Omaha... which looks like a cornfield with buildings... kidding... sorta... Somewhere along the way... the darkness would fall... and for anyone who knows, NE is like upstate NY, or either of the dakotas... there ain't much out there... then there would be the fight to stay awake and just keep going. There would be that moment, usually in Iowa, when it would be right before the dawn, where I would be fighting full bore just to stay awake, usually a couple of 5 hour energy drinks in me, and a coupla cups of coffee, and yet I would still find myself just about to doze. But I knew I needed to hit that MN state line, I had to keep on going. At the speed I would travel I would usually time the sunrise about a half hour before I hit the MN state line. For any of you who haven't traveled like this, there is that moment, at the when you can see the beginning of the end, I would see that 'Minnesota Welcomes You' sign, and I would get that pulse of adrenaline. I was almost home.
I think there are periods of life like that, where life is slowly lulling you to sleep at the wheel... flying along... your headlights cutting a swath through the inky black sky. The hum of your tires and asphalt mixing a melody that seems to almost want you to just close your eyes just for a moment on that highway of life. Yet, if you do, and your at the wheel, the ride is gonna get bumpy to say the least. Kinda like hitting the 'oh crap, i'm driving off the highway bumps,' except worse. Ending up in a wreck like out of one of those, 'caught on tape,' shows you see on late-night tv.
One thing though, you don't have to drive, that's where I often have issues. Being the man that I am, I often pull out my man card and with a great confidence say, 'I can do it, I know the way, and of course I don't need directions.' Reality card, when distracted, I have been known to get lost in Walmart... let alone the highway of life... and when I have decided to improve my laptimes when driving, I tend to get a whole patriotic celebration in my rear view... red, white, and blue, red, white and blue... ummm... yes, i do know how fast i was going, but I am sure you will tell me if my speedometer is off... it said 93... oh, yeah... 96?... well, i will have to remember that next time... if there is one...
In other words, I may have a good route from Mile High to South of the River, and I may be able to navigate it with little to no... ok... not much to little trouble, but in life, I gotta try and remember that I am the passenger, I just need to kick back and relax, and that back seat driving will be punished...
Kinda like when Bubba was young, I would do MN runs, in the middle of the night. Missing my home and family, I would load him into his carseat, and away we would go. Making a '15 hour' journey in about 12 and a half. Just going, watching the broken yellow stripes pass by. Minute by minute the miles would tick away. CO, NE.... cornfield... cornfield... what the crap is that metal monstrocity(those who have driven through NE will understand)... cornfield... Omaha... which looks like a cornfield with buildings... kidding... sorta... Somewhere along the way... the darkness would fall... and for anyone who knows, NE is like upstate NY, or either of the dakotas... there ain't much out there... then there would be the fight to stay awake and just keep going. There would be that moment, usually in Iowa, when it would be right before the dawn, where I would be fighting full bore just to stay awake, usually a couple of 5 hour energy drinks in me, and a coupla cups of coffee, and yet I would still find myself just about to doze. But I knew I needed to hit that MN state line, I had to keep on going. At the speed I would travel I would usually time the sunrise about a half hour before I hit the MN state line. For any of you who haven't traveled like this, there is that moment, at the when you can see the beginning of the end, I would see that 'Minnesota Welcomes You' sign, and I would get that pulse of adrenaline. I was almost home.
I think there are periods of life like that, where life is slowly lulling you to sleep at the wheel... flying along... your headlights cutting a swath through the inky black sky. The hum of your tires and asphalt mixing a melody that seems to almost want you to just close your eyes just for a moment on that highway of life. Yet, if you do, and your at the wheel, the ride is gonna get bumpy to say the least. Kinda like hitting the 'oh crap, i'm driving off the highway bumps,' except worse. Ending up in a wreck like out of one of those, 'caught on tape,' shows you see on late-night tv.
One thing though, you don't have to drive, that's where I often have issues. Being the man that I am, I often pull out my man card and with a great confidence say, 'I can do it, I know the way, and of course I don't need directions.' Reality card, when distracted, I have been known to get lost in Walmart... let alone the highway of life... and when I have decided to improve my laptimes when driving, I tend to get a whole patriotic celebration in my rear view... red, white, and blue, red, white and blue... ummm... yes, i do know how fast i was going, but I am sure you will tell me if my speedometer is off... it said 93... oh, yeah... 96?... well, i will have to remember that next time... if there is one...
In other words, I may have a good route from Mile High to South of the River, and I may be able to navigate it with little to no... ok... not much to little trouble, but in life, I gotta try and remember that I am the passenger, I just need to kick back and relax, and that back seat driving will be punished...
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Mindspill 11/14
broken... spoken... mind is reeling... not sure what i'm feeling... little to the left... little to the right... go go go, fight fight fight... there is always a spinning in my head... fully alive, not yet dead... the drift, the dream, the movie screen... the light flickers as the reel ends... what is the next scene? Where is my next dream... I think of days gone by... the memories... i laugh, i cry... the soft sliver of moon lights my way through the darkest night... i walk alone... i wait for sight... a whisper, kiss, or soft caress... i wait for my love, nothing more, nothing less... i'm on the outside, i'm looking in, i can see through you... see your true colors... the song on the wind it drifts lazily through the night sky... i have looked for you... searched for you... and yet it feels like you are just out of reach... the puzzle shifts and changes... what will the future hold... ever changing... ever moving... dreams... spasms... mountaintops... chasms... life, death... suffocation, breath... my mind wanders as i meander along my way, the memories of time haunt me like great dark knights, do the look for impending doom? or are they just travelers along the path like me, hoping beyond hope that i mean them no threat as they mean me none... aren't we all just vagabonds... moving back and forth... shifting, shaking, moving, quaking... a reality that can change in the wing movement of a hummingbird... we all seek something... bullet wounds and battle scars... battle born, battle bred, and when i die i will be battle dead....
Shifting, pulling, twisting it changes
Life has no constant, other than constant rearranges
We live, we die, we laugh, we cry
And when our time is done, we pray we fly
But what is it? What do we strive to find?
Sanctuary, Solitude, or just some peace of mind
On razors edge, or facing a wall
I move back and forth, just trying not to fall
the course is set, sail by the star
the end of the world is never too far
My mind seems to be just moving, I've got about 5 different things I'm writing on, and I just cant seem to concentrate on one, in that, I feel good to be writing again. It seems as if everything seems to want to get out at once, from spiritual beliefs, to poems, songs, a book(or two, strictly fiction stuff, let's just say i have very vivid dreams and have been trying to organize them) So, in that, I am just a little all over in the thought pattern field, but it feels good to be getting it out... yup yup
jagged pieces, twisted and bent
broken, rusted, battered and spent
the wicked mass of broken glass
could i walk on heaven's grass
in the darkness i could see the light
in that i got lost in the midst of the fight
the dreams they come from haunted past
how much longer could this nightmare last
i want to dream of fields of green
like i have seen on movie screen
the waft of lilies on the air
i hope i pray there's time to spare
my heart is heavy, my brow is wet
in that i know that battle yet
it's time to come and i shall stand
to march across the barren land
my steel shall strike with grace and speed
to what accord my heart will heed
a place of beauty, a place of peace
a place where weapons, death and war will cease
a field where children dance and play
the sun will shine and i will say
I thank you for this live I live
And all to you my soul I give
when at last i lay me down
i pray my soul is heaven bound
Shifting, pulling, twisting it changes
Life has no constant, other than constant rearranges
We live, we die, we laugh, we cry
And when our time is done, we pray we fly
But what is it? What do we strive to find?
Sanctuary, Solitude, or just some peace of mind
On razors edge, or facing a wall
I move back and forth, just trying not to fall
the course is set, sail by the star
the end of the world is never too far
My mind seems to be just moving, I've got about 5 different things I'm writing on, and I just cant seem to concentrate on one, in that, I feel good to be writing again. It seems as if everything seems to want to get out at once, from spiritual beliefs, to poems, songs, a book(or two, strictly fiction stuff, let's just say i have very vivid dreams and have been trying to organize them) So, in that, I am just a little all over in the thought pattern field, but it feels good to be getting it out... yup yup
jagged pieces, twisted and bent
broken, rusted, battered and spent
the wicked mass of broken glass
could i walk on heaven's grass
in the darkness i could see the light
in that i got lost in the midst of the fight
the dreams they come from haunted past
how much longer could this nightmare last
i want to dream of fields of green
like i have seen on movie screen
the waft of lilies on the air
i hope i pray there's time to spare
my heart is heavy, my brow is wet
in that i know that battle yet
it's time to come and i shall stand
to march across the barren land
my steel shall strike with grace and speed
to what accord my heart will heed
a place of beauty, a place of peace
a place where weapons, death and war will cease
a field where children dance and play
the sun will shine and i will say
I thank you for this live I live
And all to you my soul I give
when at last i lay me down
i pray my soul is heaven bound
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The fight within
I have been asked, what does it take to do the job I do... my most common answer... you must be willing to let you heart break 1000 times a day...my prayer... to love people like Christ did... and yet i become well aware of how short i can fall from that... i love my job... i love the people that i serve... but it's hard... damn hard... i look at a world that many choose to ignore... where sylvester eats tweety... where wiley e. coyote has a roadrunner dinner every night... i do see good in it too... and yet... i have become battle scarred... my mind has become blurry... i fight day to day with a depression that threatens to take my very soul... i have triumphant days and i have terrible ones... i have days where i am on top of the world... and i have days where i feel the weight of it
I do my best to hand it off to one who's burden weighs nothing and His yoke is light, and yet i find pieces left behind that when assembled together seem a great weight... I have watched people rise to the pinnacle of success from the gutter and i have watched people die in that same gutter... i become disgusted with society and how it deals with those who it deems 'less than' and raise my fist against it time and time again... yet sometimes... it seems to be raising my fist against a beast that has impenetrable armor... i have been told time and time again... take a rest... and i do... but my mind doesn't stop spinning... i hope and wait for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be allright... don't get me wrong... i can be the beast of battle 95% of the time... but i want that 5% of downtime... to be with someone my heart holds dear... to rest in a peace of nothingness... yet... it has been unattainable for now... i look forward to the striving dawn... waiting for the sun to rise... i know that in the darkest night the dawn comes soon...
I hold onto all of the good that i can... but my mind will not stop spinning... waiting for that kiss... of one who will help the world melt away if only for a few brief seconds... my mindspill reeling into the abyss... the darkness calls to me and yet i find my feet on solid ground... before i would have been tossed and turned into the whirlwind of hate... and yet... i haven't fallen to that hole... my dreams are no where close to dead... i have delusions of grandeur that i intend to fulfill... my mind will not let go of the big picture... the plan that was burned into my heart... my mind... my soul... there is a way... there is a place... there is a time... and i must continue onward... though my footfalls become heavy i must persevere... craziest part... my mind is still clean... i often giggle at the fact that just by the sheer grace of God i have been able to maintain my sobriety... don't get me wrong... i have heard the siren's call time and time again... and yet i know it is a siren's call now... it would only take me off to my impending doom... so where am i... who am i... how am i... am i a madman who knows not of sanity or am i in one of those ventures that Einstein peaks of the fine line between insanity or genius... i guess i will see... so i must keep fighting... i must keep walking... we do not fight to fight another day... we fight for the day when we can all lay our arms down for eternity... i love each and every one of you...
Ok, I have been having these mindspills lately, for those who have been reading this stuff for the past 5 years or so, you would notice that I went back to an older form of my writing, writing just as it comes, unedited, unfiltered, just writing as each thought comes. Letting my mind just spill, hence the mindspill title, in that, it makes sense to me, but if it makes sense to you, you should probably have your head examined. Either or, I made a promise to myself to try and regain some of my sanity and the peace that passes understanding. I have let my job and life get to me to a point where it was starting to tear apart the fabrics within. I lost some people near to me, and in that, it tore the fabrics of my reality, not entirely, but enough that my mind has been shifted for some time. 6 people in such a short span, 4 i lost emotionally in one fail swoop, and two i lost to death, one who i was trying to revive when death came. In that, it has been hard, and me being full of pride, short circuited. I still haven't come to terms with some of the losses, and sometimes you just weren't meant to. Also, once again it's that time of year where there are those who feel I have disrupted their life and want to disrupt mine, I have gotten used to threats over the years, but they still wear on me. When it comes down to it, I just want to live in peace, I want to have those that I love close to me in an ever expanding circle, but when others come to hurt others, I will take a stand. I still believe that 'the greatest evil in the world is not when evil people do their evil deeds, but when good people do nothing to stop them.' I will stand and fight as long as I am allowed to breathe. Either or, this is me, unfiltered. I feel better. I do love each and every one of you and God does too. You may not believe in Him, but He believes in you.
-Preach
I do my best to hand it off to one who's burden weighs nothing and His yoke is light, and yet i find pieces left behind that when assembled together seem a great weight... I have watched people rise to the pinnacle of success from the gutter and i have watched people die in that same gutter... i become disgusted with society and how it deals with those who it deems 'less than' and raise my fist against it time and time again... yet sometimes... it seems to be raising my fist against a beast that has impenetrable armor... i have been told time and time again... take a rest... and i do... but my mind doesn't stop spinning... i hope and wait for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be allright... don't get me wrong... i can be the beast of battle 95% of the time... but i want that 5% of downtime... to be with someone my heart holds dear... to rest in a peace of nothingness... yet... it has been unattainable for now... i look forward to the striving dawn... waiting for the sun to rise... i know that in the darkest night the dawn comes soon...
I hold onto all of the good that i can... but my mind will not stop spinning... waiting for that kiss... of one who will help the world melt away if only for a few brief seconds... my mindspill reeling into the abyss... the darkness calls to me and yet i find my feet on solid ground... before i would have been tossed and turned into the whirlwind of hate... and yet... i haven't fallen to that hole... my dreams are no where close to dead... i have delusions of grandeur that i intend to fulfill... my mind will not let go of the big picture... the plan that was burned into my heart... my mind... my soul... there is a way... there is a place... there is a time... and i must continue onward... though my footfalls become heavy i must persevere... craziest part... my mind is still clean... i often giggle at the fact that just by the sheer grace of God i have been able to maintain my sobriety... don't get me wrong... i have heard the siren's call time and time again... and yet i know it is a siren's call now... it would only take me off to my impending doom... so where am i... who am i... how am i... am i a madman who knows not of sanity or am i in one of those ventures that Einstein peaks of the fine line between insanity or genius... i guess i will see... so i must keep fighting... i must keep walking... we do not fight to fight another day... we fight for the day when we can all lay our arms down for eternity... i love each and every one of you...
Ok, I have been having these mindspills lately, for those who have been reading this stuff for the past 5 years or so, you would notice that I went back to an older form of my writing, writing just as it comes, unedited, unfiltered, just writing as each thought comes. Letting my mind just spill, hence the mindspill title, in that, it makes sense to me, but if it makes sense to you, you should probably have your head examined. Either or, I made a promise to myself to try and regain some of my sanity and the peace that passes understanding. I have let my job and life get to me to a point where it was starting to tear apart the fabrics within. I lost some people near to me, and in that, it tore the fabrics of my reality, not entirely, but enough that my mind has been shifted for some time. 6 people in such a short span, 4 i lost emotionally in one fail swoop, and two i lost to death, one who i was trying to revive when death came. In that, it has been hard, and me being full of pride, short circuited. I still haven't come to terms with some of the losses, and sometimes you just weren't meant to. Also, once again it's that time of year where there are those who feel I have disrupted their life and want to disrupt mine, I have gotten used to threats over the years, but they still wear on me. When it comes down to it, I just want to live in peace, I want to have those that I love close to me in an ever expanding circle, but when others come to hurt others, I will take a stand. I still believe that 'the greatest evil in the world is not when evil people do their evil deeds, but when good people do nothing to stop them.' I will stand and fight as long as I am allowed to breathe. Either or, this is me, unfiltered. I feel better. I do love each and every one of you and God does too. You may not believe in Him, but He believes in you.
-Preach
Monday, November 12, 2012
Just a junkyard dog.
I love what I love. When it comes down to it, I'm pretty simple, I tend to overcomplicate things with over thought. I have lived everywhere from the gutter to a million dollar home, and everywhere in between, but when it comes down to it, I'm just a junkyard dog.
I have gone through life the best way that I know how, sometimes too headstrong, sometimes pridefully forward. I have been blessed to be called 'dad', and for each child who has, I would die for you without question. That's just how I am. I have a high tolerance for pain, in any way shape and form it can come at me. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, I'm just good at holding it together. I have felt the love of a woman, and I have returned that love. At the same right, I have been quoted at saying, ' some play hard to get, I play hard to want.' Always fearful of my heart being broken, I have too often kept my distance, or held back. I have been able to go all in once, but for one reason or another, it just didn't work out. I guess there's something to say about God's will and His time too.
I often have to pray for a lack of bitterness, I often feel slighted, or cheated, but at the same right, I often feel blessed and graced with purpose. I guess that's just life.
I believe that, the true evil in the world is not when evil men do their evil deeds, but when good men do nothing to stop them. In that, I have had my moments of being both sides of the coin. I have fought my inner demons and the ones around me too. I often feel tired. like an old junk yard dog, who knows two things, how to love, and how to fight. My heart is still as strong as it once was, but my body... well... if I had known I was gonna live this long... I would have taken much better care of myself.
I'm tired. I know that my watch must be kept until my time here is done, and I have no plans of leaving my post, but I am tired. I have been a front-line warrior for so long, one battle after another. On both sides of the battlefield, both darkness and light. I know that our current fight is a valiant one, a fight for a better future for everyone's children, and yet, it's very tiring. What am I trying to say? I'm not sure.
I guess, well, in my life, people have wished me ill will, time and time again. I used to say, 'people tougher than you have tried to kill me,' headstrong, prideful, and full of piss and vinegar. Yet, I wonder if there's a day when I don't have to fight. Life is war, fight for your life. As I was talking to Nessa the other day, in one of those 'father/daughter' convos. I told her, 'I once took pride in never losing a fight, the truth of it, there are still fights when you may be the last man standing, but there's no winner, everyone loses.' I feel that way more often than I'd like to admit, the point when there's so many casualties that no one wins. I know that there is a vision that I cannot see, that is farther than I can see. A place of love, peace, compassion, understanding, and all that other good stuff.
When it comes down to it though, I'm just plain tired. Not sure where I am going with this, but I guess... If I do ever fall... I just hope that the footprints I left on this earth leave a good path... yeah... i love each and every one of you, and God does too... you may not believe in Him, but He believes in you.
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate or Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. The Sequel
Okay, back to the nine circles of hell as depicted by Dante Aligheri between 1308 and 1321. All nine in order are Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and finish it off with Treachery. In that, I realize that this is a poem, written by a man, and yet I believe that all forms of art are made to express some of the innermost thoughts at times, I find parallels in his writings, and in being a writer of sorts, I understand that often the things written down sometimes express the things in our head that for some of us we cannot orate. so, with that, here we go.
I found myself reflecting in the first third of this poem, that when Dante would enter each circle he would battle a beast of each, and in that would be force to look at his own sins, and reflect on how he deserved to be in each hell to remain. In that, he had a quest, a purpose, to save Beatrice, who had been pulled wrongly into hell and was being held prisoner by Lucifer himself. So he would push on, facing his deepest sins and being forced to rely on his faith in God at many of the toughest times, using his faith as the weapon, to, in the end, defeat the devil himself.
Part 1 of these ramblings covered the 9 rings and the synonyms for each hell, but now I'd like to define the words again, and list the antonyms, and just compare.
Limbo - state of uncertainty
antonyms for Limbo: certainty, certitude, sureness, surety
Lust - appetite, passion
antonyms for Lust: chastity, disenchantment, disgust, love
Gluttony - excess
antonyms for Gluttony: benevolence, giving, mercifulness, unselfishness
Greed - overwhelming desire for more
antonyms for Greed: benevolence, generosity
Anger - state of being mad, annoyed
antonyms for Anger: agreeability, calmness, contentment, enjoyment, good nature, happiness, joy, peace, pleasantness
Heresy - unorthodox opinion, especially in religious matters
antonyms for Heresy: orthodoxy
Violence - extreme force, intensity
antonyms for Violence: passivity, peace, peacefulness
Fraud - trickery, deception
antonyms for Fraud: fairness, honesty, justice
Treachery - disloyalty, dishonesty
antonyms for Treachery: constancy, devotion, faithfulness, fidelity, honesty, love, loyalty
So, one thing I noticed, the solutions to get through those nine circles of hell... are doubled up in some spaces. What do I take from that?
Well, love, peace, and benevolence are mentioned more than once as antonyms. So, what this says to me... Love, peace and benevolence are solutions, along with that, honesty, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, certainty... so on and so forth. So take what ya want from it, it was just some of my observations for the day. Love easy, stay greasy.
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate or Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
So I have been reacquainting myself with the Divine Comedy. I had always had a fascination with Dante and his quest into the 9 circles of hell to save Beatrice, his true love. If you have seen 'What dreams may come', it's a very loose adaptation of the Divine Comedy.
Long story short, it's about a man named Dante who battles his way through the 9 gates of hell to attempt to save his gal. He fights his way through Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and Treachery, against not only the demons that stand to block his path, but also against his own sins. I tend to find many parallels with it, and would think that pretty much anyone would. The struggles, the pain, the self realization, and so many of the other things Dante must struggle against.
I think that we all fight our ways through our own 9 rings, often chasing a seemingly unattainable phantom. Is it that I am chasing ghosts from the past? Is it that I am all too often afraid to face the things that I've done in my life? Do we all go through it?
I decided to look up definitions and synonyms for each circle. This is what I came up with.
Limbo - constant inability to remember (ummm... some would say that I am in a constant state of that)
synonyms for limbo: absentmindedness, abstraction, amnesia, blackout, blank, blockout, carelessness, dreaminess, fugue, heedlessness, hypomnesia, inattention, lapse of memory, laxness, lethe, loss of memory, negligence, nirvana, oblivion, obliviousness, paramnesia, repression, short memory, supression
Lust - appetite, passion (yup...)
synonyms for lust: animalism, aphrodisia, appentence, appetition, avidity, carnality, concupiscence, covetousness, craving, cupitidity, desire, eroticism, excitement, fervor, greed, hunger, itch, lasciviousness, lechery, lewdness, libido, licentiousness, longing, prurience, pruriency, salaciousness, salacity, sensualism, sensuality, thirst, urge, wantonness, weakness, yen
Gluttony - excess (check that one of... millions of times)
synonyms for gluttony: greed, greediness, voracity,epicurism, good living, high living, edactiy, gulosity, crapulence, guttling, guzzling, gormandering, omnivorous, crapulent, swinish, pampered, overfed, overgorged
Greed - overwhelming desire for more (one more in the yes column)
synonyms for greed: acquisitiveness, avarice, avidity, covetousness, craving, cupidity, eagerness, edacity, esurience, excess, gluttony, gormandizing, graspingness, hunger, indulgence, insatiableness, intemperence, longing, piggishness, rapacity, ravenousness, selfishness, swinishness, the gimmies, voracity
Anger - state of being mad, annoyed (been there... done that...)
synonyms for anger: acrimony, animosity, annoyance, antagonism, blow up, cat fit, chagrin, choler, conniption, dander, disappropriation, displeasure, distemper, enmity, exasperation, fury, gall, hatred, hissy fit, huff, ill humor, ill temper, impatience, indignation, infuriation, irascibility, ire, irritability, irritation, mad, miff, outrage, passion, peevishness, petulence, pique, rage, ranking, resentment, slow burn, soreness, stew, storm tantrum, temper, tiff, umbrage, vexation, violence
Heresy - unorthodox opinion, especially in religious matters (yeah...)
synonyms of heresy: agnosticism, apostasy, atheism, blasphemy, defection, disbelief, dissent, dissidence, divergence, error, fallacy, heterodoxy, iconoclasm, impeity, infidelity, misbelief, nonconformism, nonconformity, paganism, revisionism, schism, sectarianism, secularism, sin
Violence - extreme force, intensity (...ummm...)
synonyms of violence: abandon, acuteness, assault, attack, bestiality, bloodshed, blowup, brutality, brute force, clash, coercion, compulsion, confusion, constraint, cruelty, destructiveness, disorder, disturbance, duress, ferocity, fervor, fierceness, fighting, flap, foul play, frenzy, fury, fuss, harshness, murderousness, onslaught, passion, power, raging, rampage, roughness, ruckus, rumble, savagery, sharpness, storm, storminess, struggle, terrorism, tumult, turbulence, uproar, vehemence, wildness
Fraud - trickery, deception (...I used to say I was an 'upstanding member of society' in my old days)
synonyms for fraud: artiface, bamboozlement, barraty, blackmail, cheat, chicane, chicanery, con, craft, deceit, double-dealing, dupery, duping, duplicity, extortion, fake, fast one, fast shuffle, flimflam, fourberie, fraudulence, graft, guile, hanky-panky, hoax, hocus-pocus, hoodwinking, hustle, imposure, line, misrepresentation, racket, scam, sell, shakedown, sham, sharp practice, skunk, smoke, song and dance, song, spuriousness, sting, swindle, swindling, treachery
Treachery - disloyalty, dishonesty (...there was a time when my entire life was a lie...)
synonyms for treachery: betrayal, bunco, corruption, dirty dealing, dirty pool, dirty trick, dirty work, disaffection, dodge, double-cross, double-dealing, duplicity, faithlessness, fake, falseness, fast shuffle, flimflam, grift, gyp, infidelity, perfidiousness, perfidy, put-on, racket, recreancy, scam, sellout, shell game, skin game, spoof, stab in the back, sweet talk, treacherousness, treason, two-timing, whitewash
Now all of these definitions and synonyms are from Thesaurus.com so don't go biting my head off if you feel they are not accurate. In that, I know that this is just a story, and there are many different views of sin and hell. For me, both sin and hell are very real, and for most of my life I believed that I was going to hell, and there was nothing I could do about it. 'Sin was in,' and in my case, I felt I had violated all of God's laws with such a joy and fervency that there was no redemption for me. All of what was listed above, synonyms and all, described everything that I was. That view has long since changed, but there are still the days that it fills my mind and I contemplate the things I have done, and the struggles I still have. I still struggle with each one of these 'hells' every day, there is sometimes a whisper that attempts to romanticize all that once was.
Yet, for me, I feel like the pendulum has swung for me, and in that, I have come too far to turn back. My soul actually rests at times, I can exhale, I can sleep through the night solidly. In that, I will cover the antonyms next, and continue on in my journey.
Long story short, it's about a man named Dante who battles his way through the 9 gates of hell to attempt to save his gal. He fights his way through Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and Treachery, against not only the demons that stand to block his path, but also against his own sins. I tend to find many parallels with it, and would think that pretty much anyone would. The struggles, the pain, the self realization, and so many of the other things Dante must struggle against.
I think that we all fight our ways through our own 9 rings, often chasing a seemingly unattainable phantom. Is it that I am chasing ghosts from the past? Is it that I am all too often afraid to face the things that I've done in my life? Do we all go through it?
I decided to look up definitions and synonyms for each circle. This is what I came up with.
Limbo - constant inability to remember (ummm... some would say that I am in a constant state of that)
synonyms for limbo: absentmindedness, abstraction, amnesia, blackout, blank, blockout, carelessness, dreaminess, fugue, heedlessness, hypomnesia, inattention, lapse of memory, laxness, lethe, loss of memory, negligence, nirvana, oblivion, obliviousness, paramnesia, repression, short memory, supression
Lust - appetite, passion (yup...)
synonyms for lust: animalism, aphrodisia, appentence, appetition, avidity, carnality, concupiscence, covetousness, craving, cupitidity, desire, eroticism, excitement, fervor, greed, hunger, itch, lasciviousness, lechery, lewdness, libido, licentiousness, longing, prurience, pruriency, salaciousness, salacity, sensualism, sensuality, thirst, urge, wantonness, weakness, yen
Gluttony - excess (check that one of... millions of times)
synonyms for gluttony: greed, greediness, voracity,epicurism, good living, high living, edactiy, gulosity, crapulence, guttling, guzzling, gormandering, omnivorous, crapulent, swinish, pampered, overfed, overgorged
Greed - overwhelming desire for more (one more in the yes column)
synonyms for greed: acquisitiveness, avarice, avidity, covetousness, craving, cupidity, eagerness, edacity, esurience, excess, gluttony, gormandizing, graspingness, hunger, indulgence, insatiableness, intemperence, longing, piggishness, rapacity, ravenousness, selfishness, swinishness, the gimmies, voracity
Anger - state of being mad, annoyed (been there... done that...)
synonyms for anger: acrimony, animosity, annoyance, antagonism, blow up, cat fit, chagrin, choler, conniption, dander, disappropriation, displeasure, distemper, enmity, exasperation, fury, gall, hatred, hissy fit, huff, ill humor, ill temper, impatience, indignation, infuriation, irascibility, ire, irritability, irritation, mad, miff, outrage, passion, peevishness, petulence, pique, rage, ranking, resentment, slow burn, soreness, stew, storm tantrum, temper, tiff, umbrage, vexation, violence
Heresy - unorthodox opinion, especially in religious matters (yeah...)
synonyms of heresy: agnosticism, apostasy, atheism, blasphemy, defection, disbelief, dissent, dissidence, divergence, error, fallacy, heterodoxy, iconoclasm, impeity, infidelity, misbelief, nonconformism, nonconformity, paganism, revisionism, schism, sectarianism, secularism, sin
Violence - extreme force, intensity (...ummm...)
synonyms of violence: abandon, acuteness, assault, attack, bestiality, bloodshed, blowup, brutality, brute force, clash, coercion, compulsion, confusion, constraint, cruelty, destructiveness, disorder, disturbance, duress, ferocity, fervor, fierceness, fighting, flap, foul play, frenzy, fury, fuss, harshness, murderousness, onslaught, passion, power, raging, rampage, roughness, ruckus, rumble, savagery, sharpness, storm, storminess, struggle, terrorism, tumult, turbulence, uproar, vehemence, wildness
Fraud - trickery, deception (...I used to say I was an 'upstanding member of society' in my old days)
synonyms for fraud: artiface, bamboozlement, barraty, blackmail, cheat, chicane, chicanery, con, craft, deceit, double-dealing, dupery, duping, duplicity, extortion, fake, fast one, fast shuffle, flimflam, fourberie, fraudulence, graft, guile, hanky-panky, hoax, hocus-pocus, hoodwinking, hustle, imposure, line, misrepresentation, racket, scam, sell, shakedown, sham, sharp practice, skunk, smoke, song and dance, song, spuriousness, sting, swindle, swindling, treachery
Treachery - disloyalty, dishonesty (...there was a time when my entire life was a lie...)
synonyms for treachery: betrayal, bunco, corruption, dirty dealing, dirty pool, dirty trick, dirty work, disaffection, dodge, double-cross, double-dealing, duplicity, faithlessness, fake, falseness, fast shuffle, flimflam, grift, gyp, infidelity, perfidiousness, perfidy, put-on, racket, recreancy, scam, sellout, shell game, skin game, spoof, stab in the back, sweet talk, treacherousness, treason, two-timing, whitewash
Now all of these definitions and synonyms are from Thesaurus.com so don't go biting my head off if you feel they are not accurate. In that, I know that this is just a story, and there are many different views of sin and hell. For me, both sin and hell are very real, and for most of my life I believed that I was going to hell, and there was nothing I could do about it. 'Sin was in,' and in my case, I felt I had violated all of God's laws with such a joy and fervency that there was no redemption for me. All of what was listed above, synonyms and all, described everything that I was. That view has long since changed, but there are still the days that it fills my mind and I contemplate the things I have done, and the struggles I still have. I still struggle with each one of these 'hells' every day, there is sometimes a whisper that attempts to romanticize all that once was.
Yet, for me, I feel like the pendulum has swung for me, and in that, I have come too far to turn back. My soul actually rests at times, I can exhale, I can sleep through the night solidly. In that, I will cover the antonyms next, and continue on in my journey.
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