The fight within

   I have been asked, what does it take to do the job I do... my most common answer... you must be willing to let you heart break 1000 times a day...my prayer... to love people like Christ did... and yet i become well aware of how short i can fall from that... i love my job... i love the people that i serve... but it's hard... damn hard... i look at a world that many choose to ignore... where sylvester eats tweety... where wiley e. coyote has a roadrunner dinner every night... i do see good in it too... and yet... i have become battle scarred... my mind has become blurry... i fight day to day with a depression that threatens to take my very soul... i have triumphant days and i have terrible ones... i have days where i am on top of the world... and i have days where i feel the weight of it
   I do my best to hand it off to one who's burden weighs nothing and His yoke is light, and yet i find pieces left behind that when assembled together seem a great weight... I have watched people rise to the pinnacle of success from the gutter and i have watched people die in that same gutter... i become disgusted with society and how it deals with those who it deems 'less than' and raise my fist against it time and time again... yet sometimes... it seems to be raising my fist against a beast that has impenetrable armor... i have been told time and time again... take a rest... and i do... but my mind doesn't stop spinning... i hope and wait for someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be allright... don't get me wrong... i can be the beast of battle 95% of the time... but i want that 5% of downtime... to be with someone my heart holds dear... to rest in a peace of nothingness... yet... it has been unattainable for now... i look forward to the striving dawn... waiting for the sun to rise... i know that in the darkest night the dawn comes soon...
   I hold onto all of the good that i can... but my mind will not stop spinning... waiting for that kiss... of one who will help the world melt away if only for a few brief seconds... my mindspill reeling into the abyss... the darkness calls to me and yet i find my feet on solid ground... before i would have been tossed and turned into the whirlwind of hate... and yet... i haven't fallen to that hole... my dreams are no where close to dead... i have delusions of grandeur that i intend to fulfill... my mind will not let go of the big picture... the plan that was burned into my heart... my mind... my soul... there is a way... there is a place... there is a time... and i must continue onward... though my footfalls become heavy i must persevere... craziest part... my mind is still clean... i often giggle at the fact that just by the sheer grace of God i have been able to maintain my sobriety... don't get me wrong... i have heard the siren's call time and time again... and yet i know it is a siren's call now... it would only take me off to my impending doom... so where am i... who am i... how am i... am i a madman who knows not of sanity or am i in one of those ventures that Einstein peaks of the fine line between insanity or genius... i guess i will see... so i must keep fighting... i must keep walking... we do not fight to fight another day... we fight for the day when we can all lay our arms down for eternity... i love each and every one of you...



     Ok, I have been having these mindspills lately, for those who have been reading this stuff for the past 5 years or so, you would notice that I went back to an older form of my writing, writing just as it comes, unedited, unfiltered, just writing as each thought comes. Letting my mind just spill, hence the mindspill title, in that, it makes sense to me, but if it makes sense to you, you should probably have your head examined. Either or, I made a promise to myself to try and regain some of my sanity and the peace that passes understanding. I have let my job and life get to me to a point where it was starting to tear apart the fabrics within. I lost some people near to me, and in that, it tore the fabrics of my reality, not entirely, but enough that my mind has been shifted for some time. 6 people in such a short span, 4 i lost emotionally in one fail swoop, and two i lost to death, one who i was trying to revive when death came. In that, it has been hard, and me being full of pride, short circuited. I still haven't come to terms with some of the losses, and sometimes you just weren't meant to. Also, once again it's that time of year where there are those who feel I have disrupted their life and want to disrupt mine, I have gotten used to threats over the years, but they still wear on me. When it comes down to it, I just want to live in peace, I want to have those that I love close to me in an ever expanding circle, but when others come to hurt others, I will take a stand. I still believe that 'the greatest evil in the world is not when evil people do their evil deeds, but when good people do nothing to stop them.' I will stand and fight as long as I am allowed to breathe. Either or, this is me, unfiltered. I feel better. I do love each and every one of you and God does too. You may not believe in Him, but He believes in you.

-Preach