I have gone through life the best way that I know how, sometimes too headstrong, sometimes pridefully forward. I have been blessed to be called 'dad', and for each child who has, I would die for you without question. That's just how I am. I have a high tolerance for pain, in any way shape and form it can come at me. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, I'm just good at holding it together. I have felt the love of a woman, and I have returned that love. At the same right, I have been quoted at saying, ' some play hard to get, I play hard to want.' Always fearful of my heart being broken, I have too often kept my distance, or held back. I have been able to go all in once, but for one reason or another, it just didn't work out. I guess there's something to say about God's will and His time too.
I often have to pray for a lack of bitterness, I often feel slighted, or cheated, but at the same right, I often feel blessed and graced with purpose. I guess that's just life.
I believe that, the true evil in the world is not when evil men do their evil deeds, but when good men do nothing to stop them. In that, I have had my moments of being both sides of the coin. I have fought my inner demons and the ones around me too. I often feel tired. like an old junk yard dog, who knows two things, how to love, and how to fight. My heart is still as strong as it once was, but my body... well... if I had known I was gonna live this long... I would have taken much better care of myself.
I'm tired. I know that my watch must be kept until my time here is done, and I have no plans of leaving my post, but I am tired. I have been a front-line warrior for so long, one battle after another. On both sides of the battlefield, both darkness and light. I know that our current fight is a valiant one, a fight for a better future for everyone's children, and yet, it's very tiring. What am I trying to say? I'm not sure.
I guess, well, in my life, people have wished me ill will, time and time again. I used to say, 'people tougher than you have tried to kill me,' headstrong, prideful, and full of piss and vinegar. Yet, I wonder if there's a day when I don't have to fight. Life is war, fight for your life. As I was talking to Nessa the other day, in one of those 'father/daughter' convos. I told her, 'I once took pride in never losing a fight, the truth of it, there are still fights when you may be the last man standing, but there's no winner, everyone loses.' I feel that way more often than I'd like to admit, the point when there's so many casualties that no one wins. I know that there is a vision that I cannot see, that is farther than I can see. A place of love, peace, compassion, understanding, and all that other good stuff.
When it comes down to it though, I'm just plain tired. Not sure where I am going with this, but I guess... If I do ever fall... I just hope that the footprints I left on this earth leave a good path... yeah... i love each and every one of you, and God does too... you may not believe in Him, but He believes in you.
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