No Plan B

Its too late Its my fate
I cant turn around
Theres no fear, in the mirror
To hold me down
Im too far, from the start
Now Im in too deep

Ive got to stick to the plan
Cause theres no Plan B
-Manafest, No Plan B


      I have to admit, there is fear in the mirror, and sometimes for what the mirror holds, I have to try and see what God sees in me, and for me, that is sometimes difficult. I have come very far from where I was, and I don't have any plan for turning back, and yet, I am afraid of doing it. I often feel as if there is a beast inside of me, which in reality, for me there is, the beast of my past. Have I put it behind me? I'd love to say yes, and it be just that, but at the same right, there are times when I fight myself to stop myself from making bad decisions. Knowing in that, those bad decisions could easily lead me into a cataclysmic disaster. My brother Duff spoke of the exact things tonight, he called them shadows. I am all too familiar with shadows. Some of you may recall that in some of my old blogs from the old myspace page often talked of shadows, funny how that comes full circle. 
      What do I fight? I fight the inherent thought that I was just born bad, I was once told by someone who I looked up to when I was young, 'You're the devil incarnate and nothing good will ever come from you.' To receive something like that from that person in particular was crushing to me, to the point where I perceived it as the truth. I had been told also that I was unlovable, good for nothing, a demon, an abyss which sucks everything around it into darkness, and so on and so forth. I let it eat me up inside and let it feed my hate for the world and everything in it, to the point where I became an emotional stone, 'one of the most apathetic, if not the most apathetic person I have ever evaluated', from a professional who's job it was to evaluate 'problem children'. I got good at hiding it all though, putting on a false front, smiling, laughing, telling everyone things were just fine, when it felt like I was rotting from the inside out. 
      I may have may come a long way from that, but there are times of distress and times of just plain stress that if I let them threaten to pull me into that abyss once again. Yet, I must remember everything I have learned, and remember to keep my eyes and ears open. I must go against what I have learned, to isolate and start writing a manifesto, and instead, let those who are near me know what is going on, and not just dump on them, but listen to what they say, and apply it to myself. 
     I must also take the time to remember who I am, where I have come from, what my life purpose is now, how to find myself again, the real me, not the beast within. In that, I must remember that life is a string of experiences, both good and bad, that if life is disappointing right now, if I keep on going, and I keep on moving forward, there will be a payoff. The number one thing I have to remember, keep my attitude in check, and find things that make me smile and laugh. My God, my kiddos, my kin, my dog, my brothers and sisters, they all got love for me, and in that, I am so blessed, they may not always like me, but they love me. So, through perseverance there will be an outcome, so I must stick to the plan of No Plan B and just move forward and have faith that things will fall in place in time, granted it will be a practice session of patience too. Much Love