fear come from thought...

   I have been rewriting a popular sermon of mine, well, I had heard the story, and then rewritten it, as I was doing the update, for some reason I came across a secondary link to a youtube video tribute of a brother of mine, and found myself watching this secondary news clip. Then I saw it, raw emotion, it is a live standoff video, and at one point a cop goes from being aggressor, to victim. In that, I do not want this to come off as an anti cop thing, it was just the video that You tube set up alongside Mark's, which had a strange irony in it.Either or, the cop gets shot in the neck during a standoff. Then there is the look, I have seen it way more than I ever wanted to in my life, the self realization that you are mortal. As I saw this it triggered a barrage of faces, people who had had that look in their eyes, where bravado meets mortality. We stand so tall, we feel that we are invincible, and yet our lives really are so fragile. God willing you will never see that look, but for me, and many around me, we have seen it way too much. The flood of emotions, the sorrow, the abject pain, kinda like when a friend stops bleeding, but doesn't stop talking, you know they're dead, but they don't, and so you keep on telling them that they'll be fine, lying through your teeth so that they will feel some comfort in those last fleeting minutes.
    There are those moments for some of us... hell, maybe all, where a split second of something will trigger this torrential monsoon of emotions. A cascade of pain if you will, and for me, for a long time I would bury it deep, because I didn't want my 'Man Card' taken... It emotionally stunted me and created a beast inside that not only attempted to kill me, but tried to destroy the world around me. Why do I call it a beast? Because there often seems to be no method to it, other than unexpressed, regressed emotions, that sporadically come out when sometimes seemingly random triggers get pulled.How do I get it under wraps, I attempt to work through the emotions, face the whirlwind, sometimes scream, sometimes cry, sometimes write, and sometimes just wait. I find ways to let me think through it, not the moment itself, but what emotions I am feeling and why, which isn't always easy for a guy like me.
    I had been told whether by male rolemodels, tv, radio, and so on and so forth, that men have 2 emotions, happy and angry. You never saw Micheal have a 'emotional share time with KITT, the A-team never passed around the share stick and 'went deeper' to look at the root of the cause, MacGuyver never took a couple of minutes before disassembling the nuclear warhead to have a 'good cry'. In that, I had become very emotionally stunted, and by and far I am no emotional fountain, but I do feel, and what I do feel, I feel deeply. In that, don't be afraid to express yourself, don't be afraid to express your pain, fears, and other negatives, so that you can try and work through them, and at least let the healing start to begin... not sure where I was going with that...