1. a: obsolete : disturbance
b: EXCITEMENT
2. a: the affective aspect of consciousness : FEELING
b: a state of feeling
c: a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by psychological and behavioral changes in the body.
So, I have been feeling a lot of emotion, a plethora of ups and downs, it hasn't been fun, and yet it has been pretty insightful. One, I'm stronger than I thought I was, to go through what I have been going through used to be a descent into madness. Many of you have seen it, and to some right, I'm sure some of you miss it in the escapades that would follow, and yet, there was always the comedown, the crash. There has been this strange thing going on inside of me, almost manic, and yet, not acting on the feelings, actually processing them. I may be a little isolating, and yet still getting out and doing things. For me, that's a big step. Not going out wanton and doing what me and some others called 'AAAAARGH Excursions', but just taking time to hang with some of my brothers, my kiddos, and my kin, and breathe.
It always seems like the brakes overheat at most interesting times in life, I always picture it as a giant 'Casey Jones' style steam engine, the wheels conceive the stop, and then metal on metal begins, fountains of sparks shooting out of each wheel on the track, the giant steel wheels begin to glow from the heat, and I have realized that in that moment, it's all about what the conductor and his crew do.
In that, I had to realize that I am not the conductor, I am the crew. For all the experience that I have on this track, there are things that I cannot expect, or understand, especially in a situation that is completely out of my control at this point. So, this is when I have to look to the conductor, and anticipate his order. In that, I should keep doing my job, and making sure that for the things that he has previously asked me to do keep on rolling, because no matter what happens, I do not want the crash to be caused by my lack of maintenance. I will keep on shoveling, keep on tendering, and trying to keep my head calm.
It's kind of strange, I can keep my head in the middle of a gunfight, and yet when it comes to emotion, I have issues. It's all about adaptation and change, just because life is that way. I guess it's like this one time that Auntie Brenda will not let me forget.
We had all gone out for the evening to a downtown club, and some of our girl cousins had decided to crash and join us, well, at that time downtown was a little more wild west than it is now, and as we were all enjoying the night, it happened. An argument ensued on the dance floor, and as was customary at Minneapolis nightclubs in the 90's, they started shooting. Picture this, packed club, to the gills, and shots go off, yep, pretty much every one heads for the door. As we all crowded out the door I was doing my head check as I usually did, and one of my cousins was missing. Auntie will say, that it was 'just me', I will say that I was more worried about answering to Auntie for letting one of us get injured than get shot myself. Found her standing in the middle of the dance floor paralyzed with fear. Either way, we got out of there safe and sound.
What does that story mean? Well, when it comes to emotions and me allowing them to be in me, now, I am that paralyzed person in the middle of the dance floor, and at the same right, I got a conductor who is barking orders on how to keep my head down, and I need to listen, cuz if I don't, it could end me. So, I will hold my position on the train, in the club, in life, and I will stay alert and diligent, with the help of those around me and my God.
LLLAKYFOTPA XD
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